I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
