roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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