I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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