I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize