never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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