I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
