Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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