I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
