I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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