I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
