Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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