Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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