Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
