i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
