sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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