I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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