i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
