i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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