I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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