and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
