i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
