I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
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It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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