shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
