I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
