My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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