yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
