I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just made my gag reflex go away.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
