how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
