Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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