I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
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