Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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