sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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