You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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