this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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