i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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