Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
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either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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