I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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