I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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