i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
