Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
