my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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