Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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