legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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