Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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