I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
