Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
