I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
