Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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