maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
