just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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