God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
