Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
