bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
