I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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