I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
