onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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