cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
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I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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