I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
