You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
