Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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