saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
